Bruised Knuckles, Bruised Heart

The other night I lost it. Anne keeps talking about the tough childhood Alex had. She's trying to make up for it by giving him everything he wants. I told her that we can't buy back his childhood. I also told her that we did the best that we could. Then she hit below the belt. She said "so I guess your parents did the best they could". I threw my water cup across the room and slammed the door on my way out. She followed me and asked what was wrong. She knew what was wrong. I told her 3 times to NEVER compare us to my parents! Then I told her to leave the room. She left. Ben went and checked on her. I took my fist and hit the dresser as hard as I could at least ten times. I may have broken knuckles. My hand developed a nice bruise. I thought about getting in the car and driving off. But the state I was in I would wreck the car intentionally. After awhile I went upstairs and asked her how she could compare me to my parents. Ben was with her. We walked downstairs and talked it through with Ben as the moderator. I told her that I felt alone. She and Ben and Alex talk, but I am not included. Ben said that it was because I did and said strange things. There's still don't understand that I am disabled. I am not normal mentally, emotionally or physically. I act different because I am different. But I am getting better. In the end we hugged and cried together. I am not like my dad! I didn't beat my kids. I have them the best childhood that I possibly could and the years I was depressed and numb were not my fault. I can't be blamed for those years. PTSD is not something that I can just turn off. But I hate when I get in a rage. I end up getting myself. I couldn't hit anyone else. Anne knows how to push the right buttons. She knows how to hit below the belt. We have had a calm few days since that incident.

I decided today while I talked with my therapist about it that I need to call a family meeting. I need to explain to my boss and to Anne that I am disabled. I am not always going to say or do the proper thing. But as I said I will tell them that I am getting better. I am in constant pain and that v doesn't help me emotionally or mentally. If they are going to live with me they need to accept me flaws and all.

I also want to be a part of the decision making process. If Alex needs money that's fine, just include me in that decision. My father or mother never sought help for their problems. I have. I go to a counselor every week to work on getting better. Because I love my family and need to be for them what I needed to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm a lot closer today than I have been for years.