A Reliable Person/Keeping Promises

-          A reliable person has a track record of keeping promises. An unreliable person shows he or she doesn't really care about others. They only care about themselves and their own agenda. Even if their promises caused someone to make a major career move or a major upheaval, they simply don’t give it a second thought.

-          I’ve had relationships where it has happened, we all have. Mine came in the form of changing jobs, to what I was told was a better situation. I had to move my family to a different city, different schools. In the midst of the move, our 4-yr old son called me into his room. He said, “You all can go, but I’m staying here.” I should have learned from my child’s wisdom. But instead, I was drawn to “bigger and better opportunities.” The problem was this, I knew the man making the promises. I knew the way he worked. I knew how he treated those around him, although he and I had never had problems…yet. But the lure of greater opportunities, more money (isn’t that always the main motivation?), and a better life for my family.

-          Then it all came crashing down. Within 2 years my job description changed. Then I wasn’t meeting “his” expectations. Although I was meeting everyone else’s. In fact, my actual job and performance couldn’t have been better. I was getting many accolades. I was getting major raises. My performance evaluations were on target. But that wasn’t enough. My job description changed five times in seven years, until I was given a job description that was impossible to fulfill. No one could do what I was asked to do, not even Superman. So I was tossed away without a second thought.

-          Here was a man who simply didn’t care what he did to others, what promises he made. I should have known better. I should have been watching my back. I should have listened to other people’s warnings. But I put my trust, my livelihood, my family, and my career that I had spent thirty years building into the hands of one who was unreliable, one who should never had been trusted.

-          My problem was that I tried to see the best in people. If there is one thing it has taught me, and it has taught me many things, it is that there is no better person than one who is trustworthy and reliable. And there is no worse person than someone who isn’t.

-          We need to be more reliable. Even if we don’t make promises, we should try to live up to the best of people’s expectations.

Kindness & Semi-Retired

8/20/14

I went to see the movie “Expendables 3” with Ben last night. Another good vs. evil flick. The good guys won, of course.

Being disabled is still taking some getting used to. Anne wants me to tell people that I am “semi-retired.” Sounds better, I guess. And, I guess, in a way, it is true. I preach on the weekends and write during the week. A few weeks ago I decided to spend at least ½ day at the church office studying. It brings a little normalcy to my schedule.

We are in the process of moving. We are doing the “empty nest” backwards. The kids won’t move out so we will. Alex did finally find an apartment, but Ben will stay here in the basement at Jean’s until he finds a place. We are only moving down the street, but I will be without transportation. I will take Anne to work on some days when i need the car for a doctor’s appointment or something. We are only 8/10 of a mile from the library. So I will be within walking distance to most places. the only problem is that I will be walking uphill on the way home. I want to get a Scooter, but the boys think I will kill myself with my eyesight being as bad as it is. I tell everyone that I am fine for 30 minutes, then my eyes twist and cross. Actually, if I’ve used them alot before I drive, they go crazy when I first get in the car. Since finishing VerseryRhymes I have begun writing a novel. You know, your good guy vs bad guy kind. I don’t know the ending, but I can assure you the good guys will win.

I preached a sermon a few weeks ago on “Living the Fruit of the Spirit: Kindness.” I wrote a poem on “Being Kind.”

Being Kind

The world needs to see more kindness

People need to feel that gentle touch

But there is anger, impatience and divisiveness

But Kindness...not so much

The people around you need to know

That they matter and have worth

They need to know they are loved by God and you

But it seems that of true kindness there is a dearth

When you see people on the street or at the market

And you share a smile with them

It can melt many days of pain

And brighten their hearts like a precious gem

When you encounter people through the week

And you leave them with a kind word

Their hearts will truly soar

Like a strong majestic bird

Even if someone has done you wrong

God commands that you be kind

It is a fruit of the Spirit

See, it is one of the nine

So every morning pack your bag

Fill it with kind words, and looks and deeds

So that everywhere you go

You can be planting kindness seeds

Good Prognosis

I asked my therapist how long I would suffer from the effects of PTSD. She gave me a "good prognosis." She has a scale from "poor prognosis" to "excellent prognosis". I noticed that I did not fall in the category of "excellent prognosis".
I still have episodes, such as the time I watched the movie "Captain Philips" and ended up in a fetal position for the last 15 minutes of the movie and on the drive him crying my eyes out...my wife was driving. In the movie, the main character was in a helpless" situation, although he was rescued. When I was a child, being beaten, I was in a "helpless" situation, but rescue never came. There was also the 60 minutes episode on PTSD that got me going.
I have come a long way in the last 2 years of therapy, once a week. I am now going every other week. In the two week interval, I write things on a pad to know what to talk about during my session.
There is hope, but like my RSD pain, I never know when a PTSD episode will hit. I don't feel safe going to movies with friends yet...unless I know that it is a comedy or safe.I know many of you understand what I'm talking about.

Just when I think I've got everything under control...PTSD rears its ugly head. Last month I went to see Captain Phillips with my wife. The last 15 minutes I was in a fetal position in my theater seat. I cried uncontrollably all the way home. Here the good captain was in a hopeless situation. And so was I. My therapist told me not to watch "Twelve Years a Slave." Should movies come with warnings? And its not just movies! 60 Minutes did it to me the other day.
When will I get to the point when I can watch something intense and not be affected? Will that time ever come? Should I turn down invitations to see a movie? (I have already done this once with "12 Yrs a Slave".)
Should I be able to weed out what is real and what is fantasy? I'm 56 for God's sake! I have 2 doctorates! But I turn into a weeping child too many times!

The Storm...A Parable

It began to rain softly. It came without warning. I wasn't expecting it...nor was I bothered by it. Rain comes and goes. It's a part of life. Some days it rains, other days it doesn't. Some days we experience a drizzle or a down-pour.  Other days are dry and hot. Still other days are windy or the snow falls softly.

Meteorology is not an exact science. Like life, we look for patterns and signs. History plays a small part, but each day is a new opportunity to discover just what the weather pattern will be. One TV meteorologist, Steve Pool, is quoted as saying: "I enjoy being a television forecaster. It's one of the few jobs that you can be absolutely dead wrong on a somewhat regular basis and remain employed." (Watching Weather, pg. 113).

This day the rain began without warning, but also without any call for concern. Rain is a part of nature's cycle. God ordained rain. It is needed to bring growth and cleansing. The schedule God set for nature is consistent and complete. God's creation needs rainfall and sunshine. It is a system of nourishment for the earth that God set at the time of creation.

So, on that day, when the rain began, I had no reason not to believe that in a matter of time the sun would push its way through the clouds and nature's cycle would be consistent. It would rain for a time and then it would end. I had no way of knowing that this rain was the beginning of a storm that would last and last. 

I went inside. I stayed inside for the rest of the day. I had no real reason to go outside. To some the rain is calming. It brings a feeling of security...even God's presence. Some feel safe, with the rain outside and the warmth inside. To some all is well with the world when the soft rain begins to fall. The smell, the freshness, knowing that each plant is drinking up every drop...is reassuring...especially when you know that you can watch it from the comfort of being inside, dry and warm. 

The rain continued to fall in the afternoon, which wasn't unusual. But I began to have the ominous feeling that this was a rain that had no thought of letting up. Harder and harder it came. And, although I was inside, I seemed to somehow feel the effects of it. The rumbles of thunder and flashes of lightning were somehow affecting both mind and body. And all I could do was waiting for it to pass. Pass...it didn't.

I walked to the window to watch the rain fall, to see if there was any sign of clearing. Then I noticed something that both amazed and puzzled me. There were children playing in the street. A neighbor walked her dog, obviously in no hurry. The world seemed to go on as usual. Couldn't they see that it was raining? I could feel each drop...why couldn't they? How were they able to stand outside amidst the blinding rain, the thunder and the flashes of lightning?

I felt almost like I was in a dream. I knew it was raining. I not only saw the rain, somehow I even felt the storm, yet, it seemed that I was the only one. My body shook with every rumble of thunder and I felt the shock of every flash of lightning. The world around me was going on as usual. Children were playing and laughing. Birds were singing in the trees. And the rain was falling harder and harder. Was I going crazy? I needed answers. I needed help.

"It's not raining and there is no reason for you to believe it is," was the first professional answer I heard. "The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and there is no storm." I left the weatherman's office bewildered...frustrated...and strangely alone. Weatherman after weatherman...the same answer, "No rain in sight."

But I felt the shock of every lightning bolt and my body quaked with the thunder. Every drop of rain found its target...me. It was almost as if I was living in an alternate world. Everyone else enjoyed the sunlight...and I stood alone in the rain. The storm makes you feel that way...alone. No one else feels what you feel, sees what you see, knows what you are going through. And you can't describe it. 

Virginia Woolf wrote: "The merest schoolgirl when she falls in love has [great writers and poets] to speak her mind for her, but let a sufferer try to describe his pain to a doctor and the language at once runs dry." 

Even when you are surrounded by those who love you best, you feel a deep sense of aloneness. They can't feel your pain...not that you would want them to. Well, perhaps, for a few seconds...just so, for a moment, they know what you experience.  Yes, probably one of the toughest parts of living in the storm is the feeling of being alone.

Oh...I know that I am not the only one living through a storm. There are many others like me. But the loneliness comes when you realize that there comes a point when you must quietly let the thunder shake you and the lightning strike you without a word. You must...or the words would flow continually. How do you convince someone of something they can't feel? How do you work through the "It's all in your mind" comments from others? How do you live with a storm that doesn't end?

From the nights when the lightning flashes would jolt me awake to the days when I had to work and live in the middle of a downpour, I go on. I have been able to hide the never-ending storm from others.

It has been raining for close to 20 years now. I feel a little like Noah, wondering when the storm would stop and the waters would recede. At least Noah was warned that the storm was coming, and others witnessed the flooding rain. He also had time to prepare. And he knew it would end.

One of the first things I had to do was to tell myself that I wasn't crazy. I wasn't feeling something that wasn't there. It wasn't all in my mind. It was in my knees, elbows, shoulders, feet, toes, hands and fingers. 

There were times when I felt that I found storm experts. They understand that the storm is very real. They just can't stop it. They have helped me know that I'm not crazy. They have also prescribed medications that turn the downpour into a drizzle at times. I am grateful for all that they can do.

I have also known that God has been aware of my storm all along. At times I have yelled for him to "Close the heavens and Stop the rain!" Other times have found me asking "Why?" And...there are times when I just ask him to help me to sleep during the storm.

I reflect on the time Jesus was able to sleep during the storm on the Sea of Galilee. Peaceful, restful sleep...while the disciples feared for their lives. When they woke him up and asked "Don't you care whether or not we die?" Jesus stilled the storm and told them that they had little faith. I would love to be able to sleep during the storm...like Jesus. I have often wondered if I can't because of lack of faith. I will talk more about that later. For now...I can say with confidence, both, that I live in the midst of a storm, and that I live with God.

Dr. Tom Murphree, professor of meteorology at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California describes a storm as "a violent and short-lived readjustment of the atmosphere toward a more stable condition. When cold air and warm air meet and start mixing it up, the natural tendency is for the relatively buoyant warm air to come to rest on top of the heavier cool air. That's the stable condition. Blizzards, hurricanes, thunderstorms and tornadoes are all part of the process of getting to that stable

condition.” (Watching Weather, by Tom Murphree and Mary K. Miller, Henry Holt and Company, New York, 1998. page 77).

This book is about getting to a more stable condition. Although the storm may continue there is a way to find stability of spirit. As Murphree stated, a part of getting to that (more) stable condition includes blizzards, hurricanes, thunderstorms and tornadoes. He says that the violence of the weather is needed to bring about stability. Whatever the result, the "violence" of the storm can have a tremendous effect on us.

Bruised Knuckles, Bruised Heart

The other night I lost it. Anne keeps talking about the tough childhood Alex had. She's trying to make up for it by giving him everything he wants. I told her that we can't buy back his childhood. I also told her that we did the best that we could. Then she hit below the belt. She said "so I guess your parents did the best they could". I threw my water cup across the room and slammed the door on my way out. She followed me and asked what was wrong. She knew what was wrong. I told her 3 times to NEVER compare us to my parents! Then I told her to leave the room. She left. Ben went and checked on her. I took my fist and hit the dresser as hard as I could at least ten times. I may have broken knuckles. My hand developed a nice bruise. I thought about getting in the car and driving off. But the state I was in I would wreck the car intentionally. After awhile I went upstairs and asked her how she could compare me to my parents. Ben was with her. We walked downstairs and talked it through with Ben as the moderator. I told her that I felt alone. She and Ben and Alex talk, but I am not included. Ben said that it was because I did and said strange things. There's still don't understand that I am disabled. I am not normal mentally, emotionally or physically. I act different because I am different. But I am getting better. In the end we hugged and cried together. I am not like my dad! I didn't beat my kids. I have them the best childhood that I possibly could and the years I was depressed and numb were not my fault. I can't be blamed for those years. PTSD is not something that I can just turn off. But I hate when I get in a rage. I end up getting myself. I couldn't hit anyone else. Anne knows how to push the right buttons. She knows how to hit below the belt. We have had a calm few days since that incident.

I decided today while I talked with my therapist about it that I need to call a family meeting. I need to explain to my boss and to Anne that I am disabled. I am not always going to say or do the proper thing. But as I said I will tell them that I am getting better. I am in constant pain and that v doesn't help me emotionally or mentally. If they are going to live with me they need to accept me flaws and all.

I also want to be a part of the decision making process. If Alex needs money that's fine, just include me in that decision. My father or mother never sought help for their problems. I have. I go to a counselor every week to work on getting better. Because I love my family and need to be for them what I needed to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm a lot closer today than I have been for years.

My Sister Understands

I received a call from my sister, Joy, last night. She was so excited and appreciative that I was coming o visit. She said that she wanted the family to be closer. I told her that I did too...and that I was excited to see her. I will arrive in Virginia on Thursday and return to Birmingham on Monday. Joy doesn’t work on Friday, so we will have time to spend together.

I am visiting my sister Joy. She and I spent the last few hours talking, crying and laughing. She was emotionally abused as much as I was physically abused. Dad also touched her in places that she knew was wrong. Dad told her she needed to move out of the house when she had no where to go. She moved in with a friend in Jacksonville. She always thought I was dad's "favorite". He told her that and that was why he and mom sent me to college. I told her that they didn't spend a dime on my college education. I paid for it. If we had not talked we would both have believed lies for the rest of our lives. I know that this visit was the will of God.

I told my wife tonight that I feel like I am getting old all alone. I am alone during the day. Anne is at work. Alex is in school and doesn’t contact me. Ben is either sleeping or on the computer. They both talk to Anne about their problems and their lives. Anne said I embarrass them.  She mentioned a time last week when I was getting ketchup out of one of those squeeze bottles and it made an embarrassing noise. I didn’t do it on purpose and told her I couldn’t help it. She disagreed. I am alone at night. Ben is on the computer talking to friends until 3AM. Anne sleeps upstairs because of my crazy sleeping patterns. I fall asleep (when I do sleep) at midnight and wake up at 3:30AM...often due to pain. When I wake up I am wide awake and try not to make any noise. I go into the other room and write. PAIN is always there...or I am on edge because I don’t know when or where on my body it will hit.

Later, after I told Anne that I feel like I am growing old alone. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said “No, not tonight.” I don’t think there is anything she can do.  I just wish the boys would talk to me. I know I have been out of it for several years, but I’m getting better and have explained everything to them. I don’t know what else to do. At least they feel like they can talk to their mom. I am glad for that.

How can I possibly make up for the years I was in deep depression? I can’t undo that. I can just do my best to be attentive and tell them I love them. Maybe I can get Anne to encourage them to talk with me. Over the years I have often encouraged them to talk with their mom when she felt left out of their lives.

I finished chapter 10 of the book of Acts today. Smith’s Variety bought 3 of my VerseryRhymes: Revelation today. They mentioned a book signing next month, on April 12. . My interview with Village Living is supposed to be in the April edition.

I have been reflecting on my visit with Joy. She and I have a lot of the same memories. Karyn is 3 years older and Steve is 3 years younger. Joy and I are just a little over a year apart in age. We both have painful memories. Sharing them with someone who understands was very important for me. “Important” doesn’t seem to capture how meaningful it was for me. I feel that I finally have someone who understands and believes me. I need that. I desperately need that.

I haven’t heard from Steve since I posted my poem about my childhood and it mistakenly got put on facebook. I tested him and apologized. He acknowledged it and appreciated the text. But he was texting me pretty regularly until that time to check on me. I’ll try to keep the communication open.

I guess it means a lot to someone with PTSD to know that someone understands and can relate. I have no one who can relate to my physical pain that I have talked to. But my emotional pain is just as life-altering.

My Life Mind Map

Poem: When my dad would walk in the door

They say we begin dying as soon as we are born

In my case, I know it is true

I began dying many years ago

I have the scars to prove it too

Being abused as a child

When I was helpless and weak

With no one to tell and nowhere to turn

My situation was dark and bleak

Who could I tell and what would I say?

Living a life terrified to the core

Dreading each and every evening

When my dad would walk in the door

The man who was supposed to protect me

from a world that was scary and cruel

Would, without cause or reason

Beat me until I was black and blue

My mom stepped in only once

To threaten that she would leave

If dad wouldn’t stop hitting me

But that gave me no reprieve

I was too small to defend myself

And even if I tried

My dad would become more angry

There was no place I could hide

My dad would lie about his abuse

He’d say, “Reece just hit his head”

And no one questioned a word

Of anything he said

As I grew older and bigger

My dad stopped the abuse

But even in his later years

He gave me no excuse

I spent my life in denial

I never told a soul

I tried to leave it in the past

Forgetting was my goal

But living through such a childhood

Does not just stay in the past

It comes out with a vengeance

Until you deal with it at long last

It took another crisis

To cause my childhood to rear its head

And words that I had hidden away

Could not be left unsaid

Healing is slow and difficult

Many tears I’ve shed

And memories long forgotten

Are now loud and clear instead

My wife has been a solid support

My children have as well

And knowing that God loves me

Helps me move beyond my earthly hell

At times I am still that little child

Who suffered terrible abuse

It has affected many things in my life

But to let it define me, I refuse

By Reece B. Sherman 2/6/2014

Persistent Pain and Complaining

The RSD pain has been almost unbearable lately. It is 4:30am. I have been up and down all night. Walking was difficult yesterday. Now the shooting pain is in my knees. The pain almost defines who I am, and I don’t want it to. I am more then my pain. I have so many blessings in life, and then the pain comes and I go into my shell.

The lady we live with had a wonderful husband. He was always positive and smiling. I was with him when he died. He was diabetic since he was a teenager. She said that he never complained of pain. He didn’t acknowledge it, although he surely had pain. It makes me feel guilty to admit that I have pain. Maybe he acknowledged it within, but he didn’t want to burden her with it, or maybe she wasn’t strong enough to take it. I wish I knew his secret. It doesn’t make him any more of a saint...Jesus, Paul and many of the strong people of the faith acknowledged that they had pain that was difficult to bear. They cried out to God to take it away.

I am preaching this Sunday on the “Persistent Widow”. She cried out day and night about the injustice she was experiencing. And she is held up as one who had “faithfulness on the earth.” Prayer doesn’t change the purpose of God, but it does change the action of God. The Bible clearly shows that to be true. Complaining isn’t a sin...sometimes not complaining is. That’s one of the lessons of the parable in Luke 18:1-8. The widow received help ONLY because she complained persistently. That goes against all of the “self-help” messiah’s of the day.  The “persistent widow” was just supposed to accept her lot in life and be quiet about it. That is the opposite of the “faithfulness” lesson given in the parable.

Don’t let it define you, but If you don’t acknowledge it, then you aren’t praying about it. If you accept it, you are accepting injustice. I shouldn’t wear my family down with my complaints. But being silent about them doesn’t make someone a saint. It is the opposite of what Scripture teaches.

Don't know where I found this, but it is good:

45 Life Lessons, written by a 90 year old

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for things that matter.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful.  Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose Life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Where's Your Pirate Ship

I remember thinking about something that happened 10 years ago. I have “convergence insufficiency” or double-vision. The doctor gave me a botox injection in my left eye. My eye turned all the way to the left. I looked funny, so I wore an eye patch. The idea was that the eye would move back in line with the other eye after the botox wore off...didn't happen. I was walking down the hall at church. A little girl looked at me with great interest and asked “Where’s your pirate ship?” I told her it was docked.

Gerald May, a Doctor/Theologian said: “Self-acceptance is freedom.” How true! I need to accept that I a disabled. There is still a lot that I can do. I am a bivocational pastor on Sundays and my other job is writing...VerseryRhymes and blogs.

Button: “I’m not tense. I’m just very, very alert!”

I have learned that truth does not fit on a bumper sticker, much as I would have liked.

Dysautonomia

1/7/2014

Yesterday I went to the pain doctor. Basically, they are keeping me on the same meds. I told him about the fall I had 5 days ago. I leaned back in the chair and fell on my head and back. Can someone say “6th concussion?” It took me about 15 minutes to fully get up. I made it to the Lazyboy and slept for a few hours. Not very smart, I know, but I was really tired. My dysautonomia has been in overdrive ever since. Dizzy, headache, burning face and ears, My doctor checked me out and said I was OK.

It’s 6AM...I’ve been awake close to 3 hours. Most days/nights are like this. I go to bed by 11:30PM and wake up 3-4 hours later.

I also asked my doctor about 2 other things I wondered about. I told him that my sleep meds keep me up. Even a 5-Hour Energy drink will knock me out...so does Provigil. I told him that caffeine relaxes me. He said it is rare but he has seen others react the opposite to meds. He even said that if I was on higher doses of pain meds than I am on now (higher doses than Morphine twice a day and Lortab 10 four times a day?) the meds could do the opposite and cause more pain.

I also asked him about sweating on one side of my body while being bone-dry on the other side, straight down the middle of my body. He said it was classic dysautonomia.