Talking to Joy

The other night I called and spoke to my sister Joy.  I told her that I was on disability and that part of the reason was PTSD.  I told her that I was a abused by dad.  She didn't seem surprised,  in fact she remembered an incident when dad was kicking me hard,  over and over.  She said that they (whoever 'they' were),  begged him to stop by he didn't.  I don't remember the incident.  But now I finally have one of my siblings who has first hand knowledge of the abuse.  I'm sure there were many times when I was abused that I don't remember.  This is why I am going through the emdr treatments.  They are painful but they help me to remember so that I can finally put it all behind me. 

My anxiety and OCD have been flaring up lately. Yesterday was the first time I have mentioned my OCD to my psychiatrist. I don't know why it has taken me so long to bring it up. I have had a problem with it as long as I remember. I have to touch things 6 times. At night, when I lie in bed, if I look at the clock 6 times and it changes while I am looking, then I think something bad will happen. I have to start over until the time remains the same during my six looks. I also have to take the6 looks at least twice. There are other ways my OCD manifests itself. If I walk by a sign, i have to read all of it. If I don't, i have to go back and read it again.

I had to take the MMPI test (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) last week. My pain doctors sent me to  psychiatrist to determine if I am a good candidate for the Nerve Stimulation Therapy. I received a call from the psychiatrist the other night. He said that after our interview, he thought there would be no problems. However, when he read my MMPI results, he noticed deep depression. I told him that with my double-vision, taking tests with a scantron are difficult. I had to go back several times and erase and rewrite answers. So he asked me the questions that  concerned him on the phone. He still didn't like my answers, but he asked me that if I had less pain, would I have less depression? I told him "YES!"