Friends, Family & Christmas

When I drove to Augusta last week, I called a friend from seminary who lives in the Atlanta area to meet me at Starbucks in Douglasville. Jim Qualls is such a good man. He seems o be doing well. He had a few rough patches in church work. Now he sells real estate and seems happy. We spent about 2 hours talking.

I guess one thing I have been doing lately is connecting with old friends. Randy, Robbie, and Ed this summer. Alan Gilbert several times at his cabin in Pigeon Forge, and now Jim Qualls. I have also been in closer contact with family. I am looking for a time o go and see Joy within the next month. She and I are closest in age than my other 4 siblings. Joy is just 1 ½ years older than I am. When I do visit, I’ll try not to get into any theological debates with Bill, her husband, who is more conservative than I am. Maybe if we do talk theology, we can agree to disagree.

Last night, at church, we had our annual Christmas Candle Light/Communion service. I read my poem “The Christmas Story”...

The Christmas Story

By Dr. Reece B, Sherman

12/15/2013

John wrote “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us”

Luke called him a babe in a manger

The way God chose to change the world

Couldn’t have been any stranger

Born of a virgin in Bethlehem

To peasants like Joseph and Mary

Who chose to obey the plan of God

And do what was necessary

To introduce God’s Son into the world

In the small village of Bethlehem

To bring light to a world that was dark

A world that was lost without him

If we were asked for input

If we had had a say

Jesus would have entered the world

In a more sensational way

To a world that was completely lost

God sent his only begotten Son

This is how he was referred to

In the 3rd chapter of the Gospel of John

A world that had turned away

Like sheep who had gone astray

Lost and wandering aimlessly

Came the One who was the light, the truth, the Way

He came to his own

And his own received him not

But those who received him

He gave power to become children of God

And the fact that it was shepherds

To which the angels gave the news

About his birth in Bethlehem

These were a strange bunch to choose

Like I said, if we were asked our opinion

About how God should have done things

The announcement would have been made

To important people, like kings

But God wanted to let the world know

That he sent his only Son

Not just to the rich and powerful

But to poor shepherds and everyone

We don’t know much about Jesus’ childhood

He lived in obscurity

We only know about the time when he was twelve

And the teachers listened to him captively

Then we are told he grew in wisdom and stature

In favor with God and man

And, before he began his ministry

He was baptized in the River Jordan

He lived his life for others

Always sharing a God of love

And teaching people about the truth

That could only come from above

He healed the sick and raised the dead

And put the proud Pharisees in their place

Knowing that not living by convention

Death on the cross he would face

He trained 12 disciples

To preach to the world the good news

Some accepted his message

Others chose to refuse

One day he fed the 5,000

With 5 loaves and 2 fish

There was enough left over

For every disciple to have a dish

He taught the masses to live by love

And not by following rules

Which was very different

From what the scribes taught in their schools

He said the greatest commandment

Was to love God with every part of you

And to love your neighbor as yourself

He tried to teach them what was true

He had no place to lay his head

He travelled from place to place

He stressed the most important truth

That God was a God of grace

He taught the people in parables

Which came from everyday life

He also warned his disciples

That they should expect strife

The religious leaders made plans to kill him

They tried every trick in the book

Trying to get him to say something wrong

But he wasn’t a fish they could hook

He always gave the right answers

And amazed people with his authority

But his enemies didn’t give up

They would not let him be

They convinced one of his own disciples

To give him up by pointing him out

Judas said “The one I kiss is he,

That way you won’t have any doubt.”

So while Jesus was praying

In the Garden of Gethsemane

His enemies took him captive

After Judas pointed out, that it was he

Judas betrayed his Lord

For 30 pieces of silver

That was all it took

For him to keep his promise and deliver

But he felt bad about what he had done

He said "I have sinned in betraying innocent blood."

So he went out and hung himself

And then fell to the ground with a thud

The religious leaders finally had Jesus

But they couldn’t kill him, you see

So they sent him to Pontius Pilate

Who had the inclination to set him free

There was a yearly custom

That took place over Passover, so

Pilate asked the people “Should I free Jesus

Or let the criminal Barabbas go”

The crowd was very rowdy

And the religious leaders held sway

They convinced the people to call for Barabbas’ freedom

And to crucify Jesus that day

So Pilate had Jesus flogged

And the guards treated him mean

Then he had to carry his cross

Until they enlisted help from Simon of Cyrene

When they arrived at Golgotha

To the cross, they nailed his hands and feet

Then they put the cross in the ground

And for his clothes the guards did compete

He was crucified with two thieves

One on either side

One sought Jesus’ favor

But the other joined with the crowd to deride

One said ”Remember me when you come into your kingdom”

Jesus said, “You will be with me in paradise today”

While he hung there on the cross

His body began to give way

“Father, into your hands I commit my spirit”

were the last words that he said

And then he took his last breath

And the Savior of the world was dead

What a sad thing it would be

If the story ended that way

But we know he rose again

Being resurrected on the third day

Before he ascended to heaven

He gave his disciples the great commission

That’s why we know Jesus today

Because his disciples completed their mission

And one day he will come again

And we will see him face-to-face

And all of this came about

Because of God’s unflagging grace.

But it all started when he was a babe in a manger

And all that followed had a reason

So remember the whole life of Jesus

As you celebrate the Christmas season.

(As far as I know, the pictures are Public Domain, and free to use).

In her book, Stitches, Anne Lamott quotes C.S. Lewis. She wrote “C.S. Lewis famously said about forgiveness, ‘If we really want to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo.’”

Lamott also wrote, “To use just one Christian example: Christ really did suffer, as the innocent of the earth really do suffer. It’s the ongoing tragedy of humans. Our lives and humanity are untidy: disorganized and careworn. Life on earth is often a raunchy and violent experience. It can be agony just to get through the day.

“And yet, I do believe there is ultimately meaning in the chaos, and also in the doldrums. What I resist is not the truth but when people put a pretty bow on scary things instead of saying, ‘This is a nightmare. I hate everything. I’m going to hide in the garage.’

“I asked a wise friend, ‘Is there meaning in what happened in the slaughter at the Sandy Hook school in Newtown?’ He said, ‘Not yet’.”

“Part of this is that we witness such terrible suffering here. Children suffer so; Christ suffers. Then there is the hope of the resurrection. Death is not necessarily the enemy, or the end of the story. I assue tha the murdered children in Connecticut were welcomed home at the moment of their deaths. I know in my heart that somehow their families have come through and begun to live again. Yet we have to admit the nightmare and not pretend that it wasn’t heinous and agonizing. It wasn’t a metaphor; it was the end of the world.”

…”It’s the worst, even if you are the mother of God. Mary didn’t say, ‘Oh, he’ll be back in a couple of days.’ She didn’t know this. She stood with her son in the deep unknowing as he died.”

We had a good Christmas day yesterday. I am sitting at Starbucks. I couldn't sleep because of leg pain. I tried, but it wouldn't let up. Anne doesn't want me to be on Morphene (Opana ER). I didn't tell her until the other day. She freaked out. I told her that it was either that or Methadone. They couldn't use Methadone because of my heart irregularities: Mitral Valve, Right bundle-branch block (RBBB). According to my friend, Wikipedia: 

"A right bundle branch block (RBBB) is a defect in the heart electrical conduction system. During a right bundle branch block, the right ventricle is not directly activated by impulses travelling through the right bundle branch. The left ventricle however, is still normally activated by the left bundle branch. These impulses are then able to travel through the myocardium of the left ventricle to the right ventricle and depolarise the right ventricle this way. As conduction through the myocardium is slower than conduction through the Bundle of His-Purkinje fibres, the QRS complex is seen to be widened. The QRS complex often shows an extra deflection which reflects the rapid depolarisation of the left ventricle followed by the slower depolarisation of the right ventricle."

I have had trouble sleeping larely, but usually when I don't sleep, I am not very tired during the day. I do sleep better at night if I didn't sleep the previous night. I am sleeping with my CPAP. Last night I started ut in the chair, because I had a headache. When I have a headache, wearing the CPAP apparatus hurts because it puts pressure on my head.

I believe Dr. Paulk will start the EMDR back up again this week. At least, I am ging to ask her to. It is time that I dealt with MBBC issues. Perhaps after I have dealt with them I can begin seeing Dr. Paulk every other week. 

As I wrote several days ago, I am going to try to find a time within the next month or so to visit Joy. I have seen her only once in the past 10 years and that was at mom's funeral. I have tried to reach out more to family and friends lately.

Anne and I had a good anniversary movie/dinner date. She seems to love the silver cross necklace I gave her. The horizontal part of the cross are angel's wings (even though angels didn't have wings).

In her book, Stitches, Anne Lamott quotes C.S. Lewis. She wrote “C.S. Lewis famously said about forgiveness, ‘If we really want to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo.’”

Lamott also wrote, “To use just one Christian example: Christ really did suffer, as the innocent of the earth really do suffer. It’s the ongoing tragedy of humans. Our lives and humanity are untidy: disorganized and careworn. Life on earth is often a raunchy and violent experience. It can be agony just to get through the day.

“And yet, I do believe there is ultimately meaning in the chaos, and also in the doldrums. What I resist is not the truth but when people put a pretty bow on scary things instead of saying, ‘This is a nightmare. I hate everything. I’m going to hide in the garage.’

“I asked a wise friend, ‘Is there meaning in what happened in the slaughter at the Sandy Hook school in Newtown?’ He said, ‘Not yet’.”

“Part of this is that we witness such terrible suffering here. Children suffer so; Christ suffers. Then there is the hope of the resurrection. Death is not necessarily the enemy, or the end of the story. I assue tha the murdered children in Connecticut were welcomed home at the moment of their deaths. I know in my heart that somehow their families have come through and begun to live again. Yet we have to admit the nightmare and not pretend that it wasn’t heinous and agonizing. It wasn’t a metaphor; it was the end of the world.”

…”It’s the worst, even if you are the mother of God. Mary didn’t say, ‘Oh, he’ll be back in a couple of days.’ She didn’t know this. She stood with her son in the deep unknowing as he died.”

Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair, by Anne Lamott, Thorndike Press, 2013.

Talking to Joy

The other night I called and spoke to my sister Joy.  I told her that I was on disability and that part of the reason was PTSD.  I told her that I was a abused by dad.  She didn't seem surprised,  in fact she remembered an incident when dad was kicking me hard,  over and over.  She said that they (whoever 'they' were),  begged him to stop by he didn't.  I don't remember the incident.  But now I finally have one of my siblings who has first hand knowledge of the abuse.  I'm sure there were many times when I was abused that I don't remember.  This is why I am going through the emdr treatments.  They are painful but they help me to remember so that I can finally put it all behind me. 

My anxiety and OCD have been flaring up lately. Yesterday was the first time I have mentioned my OCD to my psychiatrist. I don't know why it has taken me so long to bring it up. I have had a problem with it as long as I remember. I have to touch things 6 times. At night, when I lie in bed, if I look at the clock 6 times and it changes while I am looking, then I think something bad will happen. I have to start over until the time remains the same during my six looks. I also have to take the6 looks at least twice. There are other ways my OCD manifests itself. If I walk by a sign, i have to read all of it. If I don't, i have to go back and read it again.

I had to take the MMPI test (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) last week. My pain doctors sent me to  psychiatrist to determine if I am a good candidate for the Nerve Stimulation Therapy. I received a call from the psychiatrist the other night. He said that after our interview, he thought there would be no problems. However, when he read my MMPI results, he noticed deep depression. I told him that with my double-vision, taking tests with a scantron are difficult. I had to go back several times and erase and rewrite answers. So he asked me the questions that  concerned him on the phone. He still didn't like my answers, but he asked me that if I had less pain, would I have less depression? I told him "YES!"

Mid-Life Crisis

When I turned 50, I had my mid-life crisis. What would I do with my life now? All I ever wanted to do since I was a young teen was to be a minister in a church. Now that was taken away from me. So I thought about what I enjoyed doing: research, public speaking and helping people. Ever since the time I spent with the lawyer during the lawsuit at the church in Jacksonville, I had the idea of pursuing a career in law in some way. So I made up my mind to go to law school. I had already had my share of degrees, a bachelor degree in religion, a master's of divinity in biblical languages and a doctor's degree in pastoral ministries. Even though I had been in school for much of my life, I decided to go to law school. At 50, in the summer of 2008, I began my studies at The Birmingham School of Law. At the time I was employed as a hospice chaplain during the day and attended law school 3 nights a week. It was difficult going back to school. I received my Doctor of Ministry degree in 1993. Now, some 15 years later I was once again a student. I can't tell you how many times I asked myself what on earth was I doing. People don't usually begin law school at 50. But I did...and I actually graduated in 4 years. I wasn't in the top of my class and still have to pass the Bar, but I have my Juris Doctor degree.

During those years several significant things took place.

Medically I had several scares. One took place while I was still at MBBC. During an X-Ray a dark spot showed up on my liver. I was put in the hospital for further tests. All signs pointed toward cancer. But after further tests, cancer was ruled out. It was just a shadow. While I was in the hospital thinking I was dying of cancer, my dad was in a Tampa hospital. He had a very rare platelet disease, TTP. He died while I was still hospitalized.  Several years later, I had another scare. After heart tests, I was told that my heart was enlarged and all of my valves were leaking. A friend of mine who was a surgeon turned pale when he heard what I was dealing with. But when they put a camera in my chest to look at my heart, everything was normal. God had some reason to keep me alive. What the reason was, I still don't know.

After my father died, my mother lived in an apartment with my youngest sister. My dad did not leave my mom financially destitute. He had a life-insurance policy and she had his pension as well as Social Security. I did not have any worries that she had the means on which to live. Then, one day, she called me asking for grocery money. I told her that she should have plenty to live on. Then she told me that her bank account was empty. I decided to check into it. She was right. She had no money. It seems that some of my siblings visited the ATM several times a week and had taken all of her money for their drug habits. I visited her and went through her records to confirm this. It was then that I decided to take over her finances. I placed her in an assisted-living facility, got Power of Attorney, and had her pension and Social Security checks sent to me. I paid her bills and sent her a monthly allowance for her cigarettes and other needs. I continued to do this until she died. I had to move her to several different facilities because she would often wear out her welcome. I was also able to get her on Medicaid. Since my dad was a veteran of the Korean War, the VA said they would pay part of her assisted-living bill. They did this for several years. Then one day I received a letter stating that they should never have paid

anything, and that she would have to pay back all the money they had paid. I wrote and called the VA, as well as her Congressman. But it was to no avail. So the VA took several hundred dollars out of her Social Security check every month until they got their money back. It seemed like a nightmare at first, but if they had not done that she would not have qualified for Medicaid. So it actually turned out for the good.

I received a call one day from my sister telling me that mom had lung cancer that had moved to her brain stem. I was told that she had only a few days to live. My oldest son, Ben, and I left on New Year's eve for Tampa. Mom had told the doctors that she didn't want chemo or radiation treatment. They moved her to a hospice facility. She was alert when we arrived. After a few days I found out the doctor was giving her chemo meds. I pulled the doctor aside and reminded her that my mom had specifically told them no treatment. After being with her for 14 days, she died. It was on the night of the NCAA football championship game. I was in the living room of the hospice house watching the game. Something...Someone/God...told me to go to her room. Ben was in there reading. I said "Ben, come over here. She is about to take her last breath." Then she breathed twice and died. Ben and I held each other and cried. I called my brothers and sisters, Anne and Alex, and let them know mom had died. Her service a few days later was officiated by the hospice chaplain. I had asked him to do it. I spoke at my father's service, I couldn't officiate mom's funeral. There wasn't much good that I could say.

When I arrived back in Birmingham and tried to go back to work in my job as a hospice chaplain, I found that I could no longer do the job. My supervisor was very patient and supportive. I worked as best I could for several months but it was too difficult. I was forced to resign. Again, I found myself out of work. I was still in school. I searched for other work and eventually got a job with a law firm as a Title Specialist. I tried my hardest to do the work, but between bad training and problems with my short-term memory, I was let go.

It became very clear to me that since the debacle at MBBC, I was angry with God. I could not understand how the God who had called me to the ministry would let it be taken away just like. How could he let evil win? How could he have called me, prepared me, and seen me and been with me  through so many situations and years of ministry, just to let it be taken away from me? Anne tried to get me to see that God still had a place for me and that he hadn't given up on me and I shouldn't give up on him. I was too hurt (and too stubborn) to listen. I also knew that I was damaged goods. It would take a miracle and a special church to bring me back into doing ministry. My confidence was gone. I felt defeated and useless. Anne continued to pray and encourage me.

F.E.A.R.

I shared a quote from Zig Zigler with my counselor:

FEAR = Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. She loved it! I have spent the majority of my years doing the first thing...Forget Everything And Run. I have forgotten by repressing my difficult memories. I have lived without facing my past. Now my past is affecting everything. It controls me. It has caused the failure of my last 3 jobs. It has placed a heavy burden on my family. It has weakened my faith in God. Now I find myself at 55, jobless and without any idea what path I should take. Should I find a job, or accept disability payments?

This week I received call to tell me that 2 appointments have been set up for me with 2 doctors to help make a decision concerning being eligible for disability. One doctor is a general practitioner and one is a clinical psychologist. My counselor told me to tell the CP about my childhood and MBBC and the PTSD...also the multiple hits to the head and resulting concussions. Dad knocked me unconscious at least twice. Once with a wooden plank. I fell and

slid on the street after falling off of my bike, cutting my ear half-off. I did not wake up from that fall until I was in the car on the way to the hospital. On one of my many youth trips, riding on a bus, an amplifier fell out of the upper storage bin and hit me on the head knocking me out. While in seminary, riding in the front passenger seat of a car, we hit a truck coming from the other direction. My head hit the windshield and cracked it, again knocking me out. When I was 4 or 5, a neighbor boy threw a brick at me, almost putting my eye out, once again knocking me out. I have had stitches to close up wounds on my head at least 5 times. I don't know if this is the reason for my double-vision and dizziness or not.

I sat down recently and wrote a letter to my boys. I wanted to explain to them why I am not working, and what is going on.

Letter to boys -  May 2013

Ben and Alex,

I know family life has been difficult for you, especially the past 8 years, which should have been enjoyable and meaningful years for you. I never really told you what happened to me at Mountain Brook Baptist. It began while I was pastor of the church in Jacksonville, Florida. I had served Mountain Brook as Associate Pastor before Murray Hill Baptist in Jacksonville. While I was in Jacksonville I got a call from JM, SR Pastor. He said the church wanted me to come back to Mountain Brook Baptist (MBBC). They created a new position for me as Minister. I was told by JM that he would retire in 2 years. I was told that he and I would work together in leading the church. He gave me many promises that he never intended to keep. We moved back to MB.  My 6 years working there were filled with highs and lows. The high points were the preaching and pastoral care duties. I loved the people and they loved me. But then I hit a brick wall in JM. Although we were supposed to be a team, I had no authority...no say in any important decisions. Many of the church members saw me as their pastor, because I was the one with them in the hospital, during surgeries, or deaths. So JM knew he had to get rid of me. He changed my original job description 5 times, until he gave me a job description that no one could fulfill. I was put in charge of pastoral care, meaning I had the responsibility to be in the hospitals every day and at every surgery. But he also put me in charge of the church building, which meant I oversaw the cooks, custodians, and Day Care. This job required me to be at the church everyday trying to run things. So you see what he did, I had to be in the hospitals everyday...and I had to be at the church running things everyday. He gave me an impossible job so that he could get me fired. Since he ran the church, he got what he wanted and I resigned. No one would listen to my side.  I was helpless and my life went into a downward spiral. What I had worked for all of my life, my very identity was taken from me. I tried to find another church, but they always asked why I had to resign from MBBC. JM and the personnel committee made me sign a letter stating that I would not tell anyone why I left MBBC. Other churches were wary about hiring me since I couldn't tell them why I left my last church. So, I believed my life was over. I went into a deep depression. But what the thing with JM did was open up very old wounds from my childhood. You see, my dad physically abused me. Almost everyday he would beat me either with his fists, pieces of wood, belt, boards... . When I tried to block his fists from hitting me in the face, it only made him more angry. I have talked with some of my siblings. They knew nothing about it. I was the only one that dad physically abused. My mom told him one day that if he didn't stop hitting me, she would leave him. That was the only time she stood up for me. Dad did not stop the abuse and mom didn't care. She was usually out of it on drugs anyway. Dad and I had a better relationship when I got older and moved away...but he never apologized for his abuse. I have physical scars on my head where he would hit me with a board and knock me unconscious. I lived in a family of eight, but I was all alone and dreaded every night when dad came home. At times I thought "just get the beating over with so that I can go to my room".

What happened at MBBC opened up all of those childhood feelings of weakness and

helplessness. The childhood abuse was always a shadow over me, then after MBBC those feelings came back with a vengeance. I spent the next few years being numb, depressed, even suicidal. My job performance  with hospice and the law firm were affected greatly by my deep depression. And I know that you were both affected by it.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Usually soldiers coming back from military service have PTSD. But victims of abuse can also have PTSD. And I do. I am going through weekly treatment for it. The treatment is very intense and difficult. I usually cry through most of my sessions because it is bringing back memories that I had blocked out. I don't remember but  4 or 5 things from earlier than 12th grade. But when I go through my weekly sessions and I am hooked up to the monitor I remember the abuse as if it took place yesterday. I feel the pain. That is why I am in bed some days. The Dr. said I would have days of deep depression. Mother's Day and Father's Day are  hard for me because my mom was never a mother to me. We had to take care of her, she never took care of us. And of course I had a father who beat me almost everyday and even knocked me out. I had to have stitches in 2 places where he hit me.

Let's talk about the present. I am not working. I have worked my whole life since I was 12. I payed my own way through college, bought my own clothes...My parents gave me nothing, not even their love, until I became an adult.

I want to work. I want to be able to wake up and get dressed and go to a job I enjoy and bring home the money we need. That is my greatest desire now...to take care of my family like I was able to for many years.

My counselor does not think I am ready to go back to work. With the PTSD and my Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy and also the doctor tells me that I have had more blunt head trauma than most quarterbacks. I have had 5 concussions. It has affected my memory and probably is what caused me to have double vision.

My counselor says that my therapy is my work for the time being. She recommended that I go on Disability. I fought it for a long time because I don't want to be disabled. But she says that I am the poster-child for Mental and Physical Disabilty. So I have applied for it. I should know something in a month or so.

That doesn't mean that I will always be on Disabilty. I dream a lot about pastoring a full-time church again. Or I my work in the law field. I don't know what the future holds. But I wanted you to know where I am right now and what has caused my behavior over the past 7 or 8 years. I know that, because of my problems, you did not have a happy childhood. Things weren't normal in our house. I want to apologize for robbing you of your childhood. If I could go back and change things I would in a heartbeat. But know this: (I'm crying as I write this)...Know that I have always loved you and will always love you. You have both turned into young men that I am proud of, despite of what problems I caused. You're mom had to take on double duty because of my mentally absent years.

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder until recently, I wish I had dealt with it years ago, so that we could have given you the childhood you deserved.

The good thing is that I am finally, at 55  years old, doing something about my PTSD and depression. I will get better.

I love you both, Dad

One of the things I have enjoyed in my life is camping. I would often take a few days here or there and go tent-camping at a State Park. And wouldn't you know it, I somehow got Lyme disease. I saw a doctor in Mobile, Alabama for it. He helped me in many ways. However, when he changed one of my medications, I found myself in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital. I was under a Dr's and a psychologist' s care after leaving the hospital. I still am. The psychologist I am seeing now diagnosed the PTSD. Because of what JM did to me, the feelings and effect of my childhood abuse came roaring back. I am seeing my therapist weekly for very intense counseling, and EMDR ( Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Again, I turn to Wikipedia: EMDR ) is a psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro, which emphasizes disturbing memories as the cause of psychopathology and alleviates the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). EMDR is used for individuals who have experienced severe trauma which remains unresolved. When a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed, and stored in an isolated memory network. The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering effects and allowing clients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms. This is done by having clients recall traumas while following the therapist's hand movement.

When I was asked to leave MBBC, all that I had worked for in my life was over. Everything was taken away from me. My identity, my passion, my calling, was taken from me. I tried to find new places of service in a few churches, but it is hard to find a church job if you don't have one. The churches I was talking with wanted to know why I wasn't presently serving a church. I told them what I could, but I know they must have had questions in the back of their minds wondering why I wasn't employed by a church.

When I turned 50, I had my mid-life crisis. What would I do with my life now? All I ever wanted to do since I was a young teen was to be a minister in a church. Now that was taken away from me. So I thought about what I enjoyed doing: research, public speaking and helping people. Ever since the time I spent with the lawyer during the lawsuit at the church in Jacksonville, I had the idea of pursuing a career in law in some way. So I made up my mind to go to law school. I had already had my share of degrees, a bachelor degree in religion, a master's of divinity in biblical languages and a doctor's degree in pastoral ministries. Even though I had been in school for much of my life, I decided to go to law school. At 50, in the summer of 2008, I began my studies at The Birmingham School of Law. At the time I was employed as a hospice chaplain during the day and attended law school 3 nights a week. It was difficult going back to school. I received my Doctor of Ministry degree in 1993. Now, some 15 years later I was once again a student. I can't tell you how many times I asked myself what on earth was I doing. People don't usually begin law school at 50. But I did...and I actually graduated in 4 years. I wasn't in the top of my class and still have to pass the Bar, but I have my Juris Doctor degree.